Feb 152015

“We need to talk…”

I just can't bear to keep this to myself any longer...

I just can’t bear to keep this to myself any longer…

We’ve all seen enough Hollywood movies to know that this is the end of a relationship. Or at the very least the beginning of the end.

And why shouldn’t it be? Love is something beautiful, souls singing in tandem, hearts beating the same rhythm. Something as vulgar as talk can only get in the way, right?

Sure, we chat a lot, about work, what’s on TV, the latest gossip on mutual friends. At times we reminisce on the vacation we were on. Sometimes we even discuss plans and the future.

But talk?!?

About you and me? About us?!?

That’s scary! What if you don’t love me just as I am? Or maybe I’ll be forced to admit that I’m not as enamored of your cooking as I always make out to be. And what would be the point in that? No, much better to just bury all those tiny little things. It’s not like they really matter, right? So what if I don’t really want to go visit your dear old aunt Mathilda? Relationships are built on small sacrifices. It’s the big picture that counts. And in the end we’re both much happier.

Until we aren’t. Until all the little things add up to one big thing. One big thing that is important enough to talk about. Or perhaps not talk, but just tell: “I’m sorry, but it’s over…”

It feels somewhat hypocritical for me to be writing this. I’ve been there, multiple times. Not talking, until it was too late. But a big part of life is about learning from the past, of doing things a bit better next time around.

Yesterday was valentine’s day. I love a good holiday as much as anybody, but something in me rails against the idea of commercializing love. I’m therefore very happy not to have done anything special (though this did take a bit of talking with my girlfriend…).
So that’s what I’m trying. To discuss things before they become too big and too scary to ever talk about (again, until it’s too late). To mention the small irritations and to actively ask what my girlfriend’s small irritations are.

Yes, it’s scary! But it does seem to work much better. To catch what isn’t going perfectly and to try to figure out a way around it together. Sometimes there is no immediate solution, but even then, just being heard makes a big difference!

For me the most important thing in any relationship is trust. Listening, talking, being able to spill the beans and to feel confident that we will work together on whatever is bothering us does wonders for that.

Not just that, but every time it gets a bit easier. It’s still not my favorite phrase, but some time soon I’ll be looking forward to hearing: “We need to talk…

Bastiaan ReininkI’m Bastiaan. This blog is meant to give you some insight into the things I run into and perhaps to inspire you to go in search of your own life extraordinaire.

I love to connect, so if you have thoughts, ideas or questions based on this (or another) post, please leave me a comment!

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